time changes it all..

*sigh* my heart hurts whenever i see how much things have changed over time. label me as being sentimental now, i can get upset and nostalgic sometime.

seeing how a robust, strong and humorous ah gong of mine turned to so frail, sick and weak, i'm starting to fear for the worst. don't call me pessimistic, but the fear of death, be it yourself or anyone, will always linger around our mind. thanks god for blessing my ah gong with a healthy life, and for blessing him to be doing fine now. i was quite troubled and confused what to do when my sis just sms-ed me this,

"urgent, call mummy."

i thought what could have happened. then when i heard my mum's voice, she was in tears. she told me ah gong was admitted to hospital. i guess when i went back to class, the people around me can sense it. i just couldn't wait for lesson to end. was sms-ing people to cancel programmes for the day. and sorry for being rude if i ignored and just walked away, but my heart was just there at the hospital. i was afraid that i couldn't see my ah gong last moment, or vice versa, but touch wood anyway.

after lesson i just rushed down to hospital. was quite relieved at first to see my relatives weren't in tears. first positive sign. then got all the details and felt more relieved. thanks to people who smsed or called. appreciated that. so, i just waited and accompanied my ah gong for the rest of the time before coming back home.

sad to say, the patient beside his bed died just now. his family members were crying. i cried like a fountain when my cousin died, which till now i don't know the reason and don't dare to bring up the topic. i remembered how i fear death when i came home from my paternal grandfather (gong gong)'s funeral. even though i only twice in my life, once when i was younger and the second at his funeral, he's still my ancestor after all. i still would like to make an effort to go for every qing ming in m'sia. i still would make an effort to go see him on the mountains whenever possible if i go to m'sia.

death is such a sensitive word that everyone fear.

and i promised myself to stay strong after my cousin's funeral. i promised myself to try and stay calm, not to tear terribly if ever anything happen.

lately i sense that people around me has their own issue with death too. sam's bro, feli's uncle, carol's grandparent. this seems like a phase in life which everyone has to go through.

i still want to drink the teh my ah gong make.
i still miss the half-boiled eggs i have with my ah gong when i was young.
i still want to have the same youtiao porridge that my ah gong make.
and i want to celebrate more bdae with ah gong.
and many more....

please ah gong. stay on..