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I don't know why, but I suddenly feel very depressed and disappointed about myself. Hopefully after ranting everything that has been twirling in my mind I will feel better and cheer up soon.

Blog-hopping and FB-hopping around, I am quite confused about where I am standing. I see my friends all have a bright future ahead of them, be it career or relationship, and I ponder to myself, "What do I see in me in the near future?". Sound ironic but it's true, I think I somehow begin understand how my sis feel when she still has her class gathering.

You see, not that I'm trying to boast, but the fact that coming from a good school and seeing almost all your friends back then in secondary school acing in their life does serve as a gauge on how far have I achieved. I see my friends are all gearing for their university education, with some having the potential to be a successful lawyers, doctors, army officers and other high-roller jobs, while I'm still at lost on whether I can make it into the university. And having poly mates discussing about further education doesnt help in easing the worries. At the end of the day, when we fight to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, people do give first impression based on how you present yourself and your qualification.

I feel that I am too much of a broad than deep person. Its like I can be interested and know how for quite a number of thing, but never that good enough to excel other people to put myself in a favourable distinct position. There are a lot of examples on this;
I play the drum but will never be good enough for a band;
I love humanities like geography and history, but I can never excel too well in them (other than scoring both A1s during the O's but that's the past);
I am effectively quad-lingual in English, Mandarin, Hokkien and Teochew, and I can have basic conversation and know how to scold vulgarities in Malay, Tamil, Thai, Cantonese but I can never have long conversation in these languages;
I love to dismantle and mantle things around, but I can never get the technical term right at all;
I know basic software skills like Adobe CS, Macromedia, MS office, html codes, video editing, but I wasted my time in computer club procrastinating on the learning of programming skills like C, C+, C++, Visual Basic, Java script etc;
I play quite a number of ball games, but never do concentrate and excel in one;

Turning 21 this year also sorta show sign that I should be matured enough to start pursuing and paving my path for a career. Friends and buddies around me should know that I have alway wanted to start a business on the F&B side, preferably a cafe or restaurant. But looking at my quali now, how am I going to achieve it. Sure I have a cousin and a good friend who are chef, with a number of my friends who can cook quite well, but which of them would really wanted to partner me if ever I have the opportunity to start this business? Furthermore, I do not have any real savings so it will be hard for me finance this biz.

Maybe I can rely on friends. But friends do come and go; seen those and experience those. I envy some of my friends, who have buddies sticking around them for more than half of their life journey so far, the brotherly and family love. Well I do have mine own buddies in secondary, but ever since we graduate and split between JC and poly, things werent that clost anymore. I also have outside friends whom we swear by our brotherhood and alway havoc together in the past, but now with girlfriends, their own families, NS, work, we are more like acquaintance.

Goodness, I'm turning 21 this year already. It should be time for me to find someone who is willing to share my laughter and woes, someone who understand me well, yeah you know it, someone that can be my life long partner. I ain't getting any younger and I still hope to be a father by the age of 29. Hopefully....

Fortunately I still have my poly cliques around, buddies and friends who stood by me all these 3 years, when we laughed tgt, teared tgt, partied tgt, we thon the night to chiong projects tgt, celebrate occasions, pulled through tough times. Yes I am very afraid things will go the same way like how it did for me after O's when we graudate, but you guys do make up most of my life in poly and the transistion period to adulthood. And I'm sorry how sometime I seems so busy and occupied with my society and work stuffs.

Idk why I'm thinking so much now, I guess it all thanks to Harry Low. Idiot. But like I alway say, "Life is like a rollercoaster, it always will have its up and down". Hopefully I can bounce back even higher and start to mug for my final 2 papers in poly and chiong my final lap for society.